Olivia is my first born. She is pretty determined to be my *only* born and as many of you long time readers know that is fine by me! We wanted to pay close attention to birth order when we added to our family. We made our first exception when we brought Emily home. She is one day older than and Olivia, and two years developmentally behind her. Its a confusing position. In every way(other than the technical one) she is the oldest. Its frustrating to her when I correct her, so for now I say she is my biggest, or first born. Because she is *biggest* and is my *first/only* born. I try so hard however not to make differences in my children. Its especially hard when THEY are seeking everyday to find and make those differences. They each want to feel like they have a special something that sets them apart. I just don't like for that to be "adopted" or "biological" I'm fairly certain this is another one of those issues I am thinking way too much about and reading too much into. I just don't know how to deal with my own feelings on the issue--my own agenda if you will, while still allowing my kids to figure out themselves and their own place in everything. Today our visiting nurse came out to the house and she brought with her a new nurse. The girls were all excited to share "their" stories. Olivia: My mommy pushed me out, I got pushed out. Emily: I grew in my mommies heart, I got adopted. I don't know if there is something I should be doing to stop this, or just let them figure stuff out for themselves? I want all of my children to just be that, my children. Am I taking something away from them, a part of their story if I try and stop this behavior? I mostly worry about what other people think. I think it "looks bad" when they go on and on about she is a bio child and she is adopted. any thoughts anyone?
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
First Born
Olivia is my first born. She is pretty determined to be my *only* born and as many of you long time readers know that is fine by me! We wanted to pay close attention to birth order when we added to our family. We made our first exception when we brought Emily home. She is one day older than and Olivia, and two years developmentally behind her. Its a confusing position. In every way(other than the technical one) she is the oldest. Its frustrating to her when I correct her, so for now I say she is my biggest, or first born. Because she is *biggest* and is my *first/only* born. I try so hard however not to make differences in my children. Its especially hard when THEY are seeking everyday to find and make those differences. They each want to feel like they have a special something that sets them apart. I just don't like for that to be "adopted" or "biological" I'm fairly certain this is another one of those issues I am thinking way too much about and reading too much into. I just don't know how to deal with my own feelings on the issue--my own agenda if you will, while still allowing my kids to figure out themselves and their own place in everything. Today our visiting nurse came out to the house and she brought with her a new nurse. The girls were all excited to share "their" stories. Olivia: My mommy pushed me out, I got pushed out. Emily: I grew in my mommies heart, I got adopted. I don't know if there is something I should be doing to stop this, or just let them figure stuff out for themselves? I want all of my children to just be that, my children. Am I taking something away from them, a part of their story if I try and stop this behavior? I mostly worry about what other people think. I think it "looks bad" when they go on and on about she is a bio child and she is adopted. any thoughts anyone?
4 comments:
i think emily sees it as a blessing and a wonderful gift that she is your adopted daughter. she sees that as her unique "specialness" and something that olivia doesn't have. emily was handpicked and very loved, and that's the gift you gave her. olivia was planned for and created, and that's the special gift you gave her. both are equally proud of the way you "had" them......and i think you should celebrate their joy in their realization of how unique each of them are. They are *both* very proud of how they joined this world as your daughter.
hugs,
rae
yah but....thats why you love me...right? emily WASNT hand picked and Im not sure WHY but that notion really bothers me. I had no more control in who she was to be than I did when I gave birth to Olivia. Sure I decided to adopt, but I also *decided* to give birth, whatever came of that I left out of my control. I want them to be special for WHO they are not HOW they got here, but again HOW they got here is a part of WHO they are so......
I don't think it has a lot do with adoption or not. I grew up in a family of 4 kids. It was always "I'm the favorite" or "mom loves me more". I remember fighting for sitting by the car window and the passenger seat, the biggest cookie, whatever. In a family with kids there is always that fight competing to stand out. I think it is normal and healthy. Don't worry!
I went from top down to here I think you are doing a great job with them all... We have birth children adn God given ones.. we love them all
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