I will never be the same

For years I read a message board for foster parents. I read their stories, like fiction. I drank them in and longed to be an illusive "foster parent" I dreamed about what it would be like, to get the call--receive the child. To get to know them, care for them love them. I wondered what it would be like to meet the bio families, to work with the social workers. I imagined what it might be like when they went home, or onto an adoptive home, or stayed and I adopted them. I guess I never expected to forget I was a foster parent, I never expected it to feel just normal, and to forget in between weekly visits that these kids hadn't just always been here. I think my heart forgets they didn't grow in my womb. I don't think I expected the roller coaster that dictates my life. Those reality type moments standing in the social services office realizing that the woman who stands before me is telling me that MY baby the one Im holding in my arms could possibly leave because a distant relative has come forward. To hear: don't worry it'll be atleast another month before we know more... Is that really supposed to make me feel better? To know that my 3.5month old, who I've mothered since day 3 of life will be a 4.5month old before I "hear anymore" about this potential relative placement? A month. It'll be atleast a month, about a month, a month. With my first two placements I knew pretty quickly they would be short term placements, Im only human and admit the emotional commitment is somewhat different when you have a child for "just a few more days" and you have daily contact with the biological mothers via phone and supervising visits. When you have a child who has no visits or 1hr weekly visits with a bio mom who has no reunification services and no chance of having the child returned home, its just so easy to forget that these kids don't really belong to you. Neither J nor T have ANY relative contact, its easier now knowing we are in adoptions with both of them...That they are staying. But after 6months I can only count my blessings because frankly if I weren't adopting them I just couldn't imagine ever letting them go. I look at A every day and I just cry, I just cry because like I said- my head knows he very well could leave now if this aunt is approved. Im not going to debate if that's what's best for him or not, but somehow in this process my heart forgot he isn't mine. My bond with him is no different than if he were my flesh and blood. I try to keep my good "foster parent" perspective, its in my best interest to support this aunt. Logically I know I have no other choice, but can I say there is this mommy bear in me that wants to put her claws out and fight. Who says this paternal aunt is more suited to be his mother because her nephew slept with a girl once and got her pregnant(FWIW bio father has shown zero interest in seeing him or doing anything to get him) Im the only mommy A knows. Its me he looks around for, its my voice that calms him. Its me who brought him home from the hospital, its me who wakes at all hrs to feed and change and love on him. Hes my baby, my heart knows that---He knows that. But really I am no one, I am just the foster parent, a free babysitter with no legal rights to the children who we share our hearts and homes with. I question everyday if I am actually cut out for this. I question everyday if after A leaves(or not) if I will continue to foster. But the truth is, as hard as this is I know that if it didn't hurt like this I shouldn't be doing it. I know that when that phone rings and I hear: Hi Renee, this is XXXX from central placement we have a baby that needs a home....I know that my answer will be: Ill leave the front porch light on.