Before I had kids I could never see myself with less than four children, six being my ideal number. I always imagined I would adopt, likely a large sibling group of 3-4children inaddition to birthing 2+.
After Olivia was born I spent everyday just soaking her in. I've heard so many women look back on their children's infancy and say things such as: I wish I would have just held him more, I wish I would have just enjoyed him as a baby rather than looking towards each new milestone. I can honestly say I've never felt like that. I DID soak in each and every breath she took, wore her in a sling for 10+hrs everyday for the first year of her life. I never set her down, not even to shower. I can still remember the way her milky head smelled, the way the hair on her ears stood up, those first smiles....I loved it all each and every day, and that's just the thing....I loved it all, I lived it all and that's exactly what I want to keep doing. Its no secret that I've been struggling with these 'terrific twos' I actually do realize its more about ME and my problems than my daughters. She hasn't changed, I have. She still wants me to hold her, and stare at her for hrs on end, she still wants me to just soak her in, she doesn't understand why I am detaching from her, it scares her and makes her feel vulnerable I can see it in her eyes. I've posted lately about needing to set more boundaries, nursing limits, better house keeping etc. Basically what I am realizing is that I'm slipping up here in a big way. I need some accountability, I need to get myself back on track. Sure mothering at this intense level 24-7 for the past 2.5 years HAS been tough, and maybe(ok I DIDN'T)I didn't give myself enough credit or enough ME time to be able to recharge, I just kept going at full speed and I just snapped. I need to find a balance, between being the woman I want to be(while paying close attention to my needs) the wife I should be, and the mother my daughter deserves. I think about my life and what I want out of it, I think about my daughter and about the type of life I want to provide for her. I want to be able to give her the space to become who she will, I want to show her that the world is at her finger tips and that its hers to explore. I don't want my child to be afraid to take chances, talk to strangers(obviously with me near by) I want to take her places and show her things. I want to be able to provide for her opportunities I'm not sure I would be able to give her having another child. And likewise not having another child I will also be denying her of certain experiences. I love watching her through each age and stage, every new little thing she says and does. I love taking her places now, she can decide what shed like to wear, or order off the menu. She can sit through a movie, a play. She can look forward to things, dream about them. I love that Olivia can tell us what she wants, dance, tell jokes. I love that she's fully 100%potty trained(as in takes herself when she needs to go, with no help atall), she can dress herself and put on her own shoes, she can brush her teeth, she growing up and when she's not driving me crazy, she's making me fall in love with her over and over again. I feel so ready to grow with her, I just cant imagine going back and starting all over again. I just cant see WHY I would do that. I have zero biological desire to reproduce again, birth again or breastfeed again. There are 3 things that remind me daily that maybe I should reconsider my position #1 she knows who she is. #2 Shana who was actually raised as an only child and really wants us to have another. #3 Olivia who everyday touches my tummy and asks me if I'm growing her a baby sister yet.
I suppose a lot of my reasons are ones that maybe I shouldn't give so much weight to. Such as $$. We can comfortably live on one income with one child, afford dance and music lessons, private school(if for whatever reason I decided not to homeschool) we can afford to take vacations, weekend trips, summer camp, nice clothes. Sure all in moderation(wink) we are still young and Shana is only 5years young into her career, so I know that things will change as Olivia gets older.....But I also know that cost of living goes up, the soccer fees go up, movie tickets, plane tickets etc. Hell McDonald's just added a buck to the price of my #2's lol. Maybe by now your guessing(correctly) that I didn't really grow up with a lot of $$ freedom, I'm the oldest of a large blended family, while we always always had a good time together, buying the payless version of converse, and skipping prom were emotionally harder on me than I let on. It still affects me today. While I cant imagine my life without my siblings, I can imagine the benefits only having one child can afford. I know there are books out there on this, maybe I should add a few to my book list. I know we still have time to decide, she's only 2.5. But really I just want to decide we aren't having any more and move on with our life. I feel like its an almost constant conversation in our house, do we want another? When do we want another? Should we adopt? Should I get pregnant? Should we sell our sperm? Should we buy more? 6months ago we started ttc. When it didn't take I was very very OK with it, I asked Shana to give me 6months. Well here it is 6months later and I am just so not atall wanting to ttc like I said I would. Well I guess that's enough venting for one night.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Thoughts on raising an only child....
Before I had kids I could never see myself with less than four children, six being my ideal number. I always imagined I would adopt, likely a large sibling group of 3-4children inaddition to birthing 2+.
After Olivia was born I spent everyday just soaking her in. I've heard so many women look back on their children's infancy and say things such as: I wish I would have just held him more, I wish I would have just enjoyed him as a baby rather than looking towards each new milestone. I can honestly say I've never felt like that. I DID soak in each and every breath she took, wore her in a sling for 10+hrs everyday for the first year of her life. I never set her down, not even to shower. I can still remember the way her milky head smelled, the way the hair on her ears stood up, those first smiles....I loved it all each and every day, and that's just the thing....I loved it all, I lived it all and that's exactly what I want to keep doing. Its no secret that I've been struggling with these 'terrific twos' I actually do realize its more about ME and my problems than my daughters. She hasn't changed, I have. She still wants me to hold her, and stare at her for hrs on end, she still wants me to just soak her in, she doesn't understand why I am detaching from her, it scares her and makes her feel vulnerable I can see it in her eyes. I've posted lately about needing to set more boundaries, nursing limits, better house keeping etc. Basically what I am realizing is that I'm slipping up here in a big way. I need some accountability, I need to get myself back on track. Sure mothering at this intense level 24-7 for the past 2.5 years HAS been tough, and maybe(ok I DIDN'T)I didn't give myself enough credit or enough ME time to be able to recharge, I just kept going at full speed and I just snapped. I need to find a balance, between being the woman I want to be(while paying close attention to my needs) the wife I should be, and the mother my daughter deserves. I think about my life and what I want out of it, I think about my daughter and about the type of life I want to provide for her. I want to be able to give her the space to become who she will, I want to show her that the world is at her finger tips and that its hers to explore. I don't want my child to be afraid to take chances, talk to strangers(obviously with me near by) I want to take her places and show her things. I want to be able to provide for her opportunities I'm not sure I would be able to give her having another child. And likewise not having another child I will also be denying her of certain experiences. I love watching her through each age and stage, every new little thing she says and does. I love taking her places now, she can decide what shed like to wear, or order off the menu. She can sit through a movie, a play. She can look forward to things, dream about them. I love that Olivia can tell us what she wants, dance, tell jokes. I love that she's fully 100%potty trained(as in takes herself when she needs to go, with no help atall), she can dress herself and put on her own shoes, she can brush her teeth, she growing up and when she's not driving me crazy, she's making me fall in love with her over and over again. I feel so ready to grow with her, I just cant imagine going back and starting all over again. I just cant see WHY I would do that. I have zero biological desire to reproduce again, birth again or breastfeed again. There are 3 things that remind me daily that maybe I should reconsider my position #1 she knows who she is. #2 Shana who was actually raised as an only child and really wants us to have another. #3 Olivia who everyday touches my tummy and asks me if I'm growing her a baby sister yet.
I suppose a lot of my reasons are ones that maybe I shouldn't give so much weight to. Such as $$. We can comfortably live on one income with one child, afford dance and music lessons, private school(if for whatever reason I decided not to homeschool) we can afford to take vacations, weekend trips, summer camp, nice clothes. Sure all in moderation(wink) we are still young and Shana is only 5years young into her career, so I know that things will change as Olivia gets older.....But I also know that cost of living goes up, the soccer fees go up, movie tickets, plane tickets etc. Hell McDonald's just added a buck to the price of my #2's lol. Maybe by now your guessing(correctly) that I didn't really grow up with a lot of $$ freedom, I'm the oldest of a large blended family, while we always always had a good time together, buying the payless version of converse, and skipping prom were emotionally harder on me than I let on. It still affects me today. While I cant imagine my life without my siblings, I can imagine the benefits only having one child can afford. I know there are books out there on this, maybe I should add a few to my book list. I know we still have time to decide, she's only 2.5. But really I just want to decide we aren't having any more and move on with our life. I feel like its an almost constant conversation in our house, do we want another? When do we want another? Should we adopt? Should I get pregnant? Should we sell our sperm? Should we buy more? 6months ago we started ttc. When it didn't take I was very very OK with it, I asked Shana to give me 6months. Well here it is 6months later and I am just so not atall wanting to ttc like I said I would. Well I guess that's enough venting for one night.
8 comments:
Renee, Thank you for sharing your stream of consciousness. So honest. So real life. And yet, I am wondering how you can think at all when you have such an amazingly radient little girl? I could just stare at this beautiful picture of Olivia for ever without one complete thought formulating in my little head. LOL!
Much love,
Reneé
Renee, I just posted to my blog several days ago about the should I/shouldn't I have another child. It was helpful to hear you also going through so many of the same thoughts. I know I want another child and I know I don't. It would be good for Brendan, it wouldn't be. It would take away my time from him but would give him the gift of a sibling. I just keep going round and round on this. Before he was born and even when he was an infant I was so positive that I would have more than one child. As the time passes and he becomes more independent and we leave those early days behind it becomes harder and harder to go back there. I'm afraid that the longer I wait to make the decision the more likely I'll make the decision to just have one child and then regret it.
Hugs to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Renee, I am delurking here to say I love this post! I struggle with this issue daily. We adopted our little boy internationally, and I, too, drink in every moment I have with him. I never said, "I can't wait until he does ____, or I can't wait for this stage to be over." Because in my heart I KNOW I will never be able to have it again. International adoption is expensive, and emotionally draining. My husband is unwilling to go through it again, even though I do mention it on a weekly basis. I know my son will be fine as an only child. I know he will have benefits that children with siblings don't always have like an education at the college of his choice, brand name clothing, ice skating and hockey lessons, etc. But I also know that one day he will bury us alone, and that thought breaks my heart. Yes, he has cousins, and will probably have a family of his own by then, but still that is not a sibling. I wish both of us luck in making this decision, and the ability to be at peace with it.
Karen
Renee,
I grew up in a small family as an only child (and only grandchild). Jean grew up with a whole gaggle of siblings, cousins, random relatives... I know it affects us and how we parent Charlie.
There are days when I think we should just have him, and days when I know we should have more. Of course, ask me in two years how I feel!
There are benefits to every scenario. I have an unbelievable relationship with my father (but that could also stem from having a single parent) that I would never have if I had siblings. But I also no one around after he is gone. Jean was an only child for eight years (totally unplanned pg) and HATED having siblings. She got over it though and now does love it.
You'll figure out what's best for you. She is only a baby still... perhaps when she's ten years old you'll decide that the time is right. Then you haven't stolen anything from her in regards to your attention to her in her baby years.
You'll make the right decision, whatever that is.
And I LOVE that picture of her!!
i think you should give attributes when you post someone's artwork.
*evil grin*
rae
Beautiful pic of Olivia!
I don't have much to add on the ponderings of more children or not. We've got 3 and "planned" on 2... but we didn't plan on twins either. I wouldn't have it any other way!! Now that we have a singleton we have talked about playing the odds and trying for one more... which was never the "plan" either.
Bottom line, listen to your gut... your true thoughts and feelings. That will light your path to your answer.
I"m so glad I found this blog.
Post a Comment