so NOT pregnant!

honestly I am surprised. I wish I had never had that spotting, I can ofcourse justify just about everyother 'symptom' Ive gotten..I was even pretty grounded until that point. Once I had the spotting I just made it up in my mind that I WAS preg. My chart too, my chart never looks *that* good, LOL. I got ANOTHER BFN on FRER this morning...you dont even want to know how many preg tests ive taken in the past week..two of which were actually faintly + but because the other (more sensitive)tests were negative I cant trust them. I did a search and found that tons of women get lines on those tests every month and aren't preg. Its the Inverness target brand....f*ckers, LOL. Anyway my chart does actually still look good, although not triphasic. I am SURE my period is coming because I woke up to not only another BFN but my normal(worst of my cycle) AF cramps and backache that feels so bad its ilke someone is trying to break my back, got so bad I had to take midol. I am positive AF will be here in the morning(I am VERY regular that like) We will most definitely NOT be trying next month, I need a few months off. Besides we are going camping next month with some Lmoms families. I need to get a new pap for the sperm bank as mine expires the first week of June. July is the month I conceived Olivia and because I weird like that I looked it up and I will actually ovulate at the same time again, lol. SO Ill be skipping July aswell. IF we decide to keep pursuing TTC Ill be back on the coaster in August. Ok now let me reflect. Going into this I relaly didn't think it would be so hard(the obsessing part) as a matter of fact I didn't think Id do it atall. But the past two weeks have been HARD on me, terribly terribly hard. For many reasons. For one because I wanted the process to work. I wanted a positive pregnancy test. But as I lay in bed this morning I realized that I wasn't feeling *sad* atall, I was feeli RELIEF! But was I feeling relief because this ment this horrible awful TWW would be over? Or was was feeling relief because I am not *really* ready to be pregnant again? I feel a LOT of pressure in my life to provide a sibling for Olivia, and I really DO want for her to have a sibling. at the same time that puts a LOT of pressure on ME. Not only to be able to GET pregnant. But to be able to BE pregnant(I had a HARD, although healthy)pregnancy with Olivia. My labor was extremely traumatic for me, I had PPD and PTSD(mostly likely brought on because, for me, giving birth was like reliving the sexual abuse I survived as a child/teenager. then comes breastfeeding, and attachment parenting in general. In my mind there wasto be no other way, I relaly believe that for my family and my child it IS the best and RIGHT way to do things. But it also means I am TIRED, my daughter just turned two and still nurses almost hourly, still wants to be right next to me constantly..she goes with me to the bathroom, into *every* bath or shower I take. If I as much as try to go check the mail without her it truly *hurts* her feelings. I don't think this is a matter of over dependency, she is actually very independent(already dressing herself etc.) she would just *rather* be with me all the time, and takes it extremely personally when *I* don't want to be around her. So the reason we didn't start TTC a year ago when Shana wanted was because at 1year I still didnt have my body back, I was still nursing 4-6times per night and had never ever been away from Olivia, ok once for 30minutes when I went to barnes and noble without her, it was a horrible experience) Now at two, guess what? I STILL don't have my body back, I am STILL nursing 4-6times per night and I have been away from my daughter ONCE for about 4hrs when we went out to celebrate our anniversary and she cried the entire time. So you can see how the thought of 'starting over' and pregnancy/childbirth/new nursling~while still doing all of this for Olivia~ is hard for me.