Happy Mothers Day

I received a package in the mail yesterday...its a bit late, but I knew that already. She accidently wrote my address wrong so it went back to her and then finally made it back to me. (She) is the new mother of my baby boy and (it) is the mothers day gift that she sent to me *from* him. Im thankful for it, Im thankful for the picture and the card and the hand and foot prints. As thankful as I am, it also came at a hard time in my grieving process. I could hardly read through the card before I had to take the entire package and place it on the top shelf on my bookcase and crawl into bed for the night and just cry and cry. For a good two months I just let myself think I was healed. Id convinced myself that Id done all my grieving before he left. Then out of no where I just started having these moments where I would get sort of choked up and my eyes would fill with tears, every few days turned into everyday and then one day I was in costco and I saw an outfit(summer pj's really) that I had bought for him and I just broke down right there in the middle of the store I just couldnt stop crying. I went home and cried all evening and all night. The next day I was driving to meet Rae at an RE appointment and I just couldnt stop crying the whole way there. I sent a txt to Susan and she(bless her) called me and I was just SO SAD that I couldnt even be embaressed enough to stop crying. I just cried and cried into the phone. I miss him so bad it feels like I cant breathe at times. I miss the way he felt..the way he looked when he slept, the way his head smelled. I miss how he would grab fists full of my hair and bite on my nose...I miss the way his laundry smelled, and the sound of his laugh. I am so lost without my baby boy, I try to tell myself all the reasons why its right and good that he is where he is. I look at his picture, his smile and I wonder if he even remembers me anymore. I wonder if he ever missed me and wondered why I left him? I feel like I abandoned my baby boy, like I didnt fight hard enough. I was his mommy, the only mommy he knew. I taught him to trust me and depend on me and I was there every minute of everyday until one day when I buckled him into the car of a stranger and then I was just gone.