today was our weekly visit and I was given the pleasure of sharing with her our news...the news that A will leave to be adopted by this cousin. She was unable to get a ride to court and no one had bothered to tell her. She has no services for those of you who don't know, but has always shown up for weekly visits. She was really upset. She said she wasn't going to let this happen, that they couldn't take A from the only home he knew to go live with ppl he didn't know etc etc etc. She said she'd go to court and tell the judge, write a letter file a 388(whatever that is) anything... she wouldn't "let" this happen.
It was so hard to sit there and be rational knowing that he was going to go whether she or I liked it. This is all just so hard.
Like I was telling a foster parent friend late last night---its that moment of "handing over" that I just cant comprehend. The last time I hold him in my arms, kiss him goodbye and watch him go. How can I let go knowing its the last time Ill ever hold him as my child. I literally don't know how I will let go.
To me this feels like those "worst nightmare" images all moms get. Those my worst fear or can you imagine how you would go on living if xyz ever happen, all those hypothetical fears...its likewhen I realize its real, its really happeing I somehow have to push it out and let myself forget because otherwise I dont know how Id function.
I realize I have lost all credibility as a foster parent. Ive failed, that's it. I need to go on the do not call list. Finalize my adoption of Emily and Mackenzie(?? court tomorrow FX judge signs off on TPR) and just move on with my life. I cant do this to myself again, Ive never hurt like this before. Its destroying me, every time I realize its true, this is really happening...I just can't stop crying.
6 comments:
Oh, Renee ((((()))))
I don't think you've failed. You have given A the best months of his life. I don't think anyone could have loved him like you do. I think you've done a fabulous job...now if only this job was for eternity......
My friend and I have decided we are not good foster parents either- We hope the parent passes the drug test so they can have their visit, and then we hope they fail, so they don't have a visit- all in about 10 seconds.
IT IS SO HARD!
Especially for those of us who welcome these children into our home as ours.
Some people think we are selfish and it makes me think twice, and then I remember how we offered to place a little one in a different foster home before she returned to her birth father- see, cuz' it wasn't about us, it was about her. What was best for her.
Anyone who can prove a relationship with the child can contest a court ruling. (As proved by the short term boyfriend of the maternal great Aunt of the twins when he heard (((lesbians))) were adopting!)
Birth mom can't choose where A goes, but i think she may be able to contest.
Although this internet relationship is a strange thing I'd run over with chocolate or your alcohol of choice, whatever the vice, if I could...
Incensed, as usual...
You're not a bad foster parent, Renee. Quite the opposite.
We didn't have Baby Bear for as long, but we did have him for 10 weeks and when he was placed with us he was abandoned and on the fast track to adoption. So I think I know what you're going through.
As for it being your worst nightmare, well, I have to admit it, it really is. Handing him over hurt more than anything I've ever done in my entire life. I told PB I didn't know what a broken heart was before that.
And it took me a while to realize this, but the thing is, it really is the worst case scenario. And Renee, you'll get through it, you have to. And once you've lived through the worst... well, I'm hoping it can only go up from there, right?
I so wish this wasn't happening. And I so wish I could be there to be going through it with you.
So sorry.
You haven't failed. Quite the opposite. You have given him the best start to life, you have comforted him and loved him while he grieved the loss of his first mom. You were meant to be in each others lives for a reason. He will always be your baby.
Letting go is soooo hard. ((((hugs)))
You've only failed if you did not love. You gave A the greatest gift in the world by loving him, knowing that he might not always be yours.
Anytime you love and part it hurts. But never consider it failure.
Oh, Renee, I just don't even know what to say, except that I come here and read often and have so much admiration for all that you're doing. I hope you can find peace with this someday. I just can't imagine how hard it is. Leah
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