Preparing for the New Year...

As this year winds to an end I find myself excited for and longing for a fresh start. I've spent a lot of time lately expressing frustration to my friends and family about the lack of balance in my life. I don't feel I am being much good to anyone in my life. I have many great ideas, but I seem to be lacking the right amount of structure and discipline. As a result I feel that I am boring Olivia, setting J up to fail, not spending enough time truly interacting with T, and much too much time being a yelly frustrated mommy. Who knew that parenting four children all in very different places developmentally would be so challenging? Olivia is very much craving structure and challenge she wants to be learning something new all day long. J is in an interesting place, she sees Olivia and wants to keep up with her but cant help but look back over her shoulder at T, at times being completely torn between two very different worlds. While J and O are technically only one day apart, J on a developmental level is smack in the middle of O and T and has embraced a role as the middle child. She looks up to Olivia and thrives as T's big sister. Trying to support her need to be one of the "big kids" and one of the "babies" is challenging at best for me most days. I find myself frustrated and overwhelmed many times while supporting her desire to be "big"
I am fully aware that 99% of the time I can only get frustrated with myself! Supporting her desire to do big kid things while trying to remind myself that just because she WANTS to do something, doesn't mean she actually CAN and that I need to be praising the act of TRYING over the ability to complete the project, well it is enough to make me cry some days. A basic example would be with my current preschool curriculum, a mainstream one based on introduction to academics and lots of art(believe it or not even water color painting can reduce me to tears when she's chewing on the paint brush/eating the paint or painting the same spot on the paper until it's dissolved and torn) Its typical stuff you'd expect out of a young toddler, I never got frustrated with Olivia when she did this sort of thing. But J is 46months old and in most situations wants to be treated as such(meaning she wants to use the same tools and supplies that Olivia is using as a 46month old, HOWEVER they are things I wouldn't have given to Olivia when she was at the age level J is currently functioning at) I find myself struggling between saying OK I will treat J at the level she is currently at, I will not be sorry for telling her that she cant do XYZ yet, I wouldn't be sorry for not letting T would I? But she wants to be BIG too! And she'll cry because Olivia is doing it and she wants to aswell, she will say Mommy! I! AM! BIG! I DO IT MYSELF! and it breaks my heart so I let her, and then when she cant, or makes a huge mess, or whatever I cant take it out on her, but sometimes I do take it out on her, and I feel like shit for it! Then I tell myself, Renee, if she wants to do the worksheets its OK she doesn't actually need to do the work just let her color on them or whatever...What's wrong with that anyway? Why am I so uptight about things? How can I just LET go and learn how to enjoy my children and not have expectations for them that are unrealistic? What is realistic? I think that right now there are so many UNknowns when it comes to J and her developmental delays that maybe when we get a more concrete DX I will know more about what I am dealing with and it wont be SO hard all the time.
ok so obviously I needed to vent. This post is about my looking forward to the new year. I am looking forward to finalizing two adoptions! I am looking forward to three key Drs appointments/ evaluations for J. and and and a new curriculum!!!! I really think it will make a huge difference in our daily lives. I plan to give it a good six weeks. I cant say I agree with 100% of the philosophy or lesson plans, but I have enough self confidence and sense to know that I can discard what I don't like, and use the rest! So that what I plan to do. The curriculum was designed to start on Jan 2 and its an entire years worth of material, I downloaded and printed the first 6weeks and we will see how we do. I think that it will make our daily life drastically different and I can only hope for the better. I think that the fact that it does NOT emphasize academics at all that it will be perfect for J, and still give Olivia the challenge and busy work that she needs. I love that it will easily include T and A that we will hopefully feel a sense of togetherness. Right now for 3hrs everyday during school time I am torn 4ways trying so hard to do 4different things at once and like I said at the start of this post, I am not being of any good to anyone. I think(hope) that this will be the new start that we all need.

Id like our daily routine to look something like this:

8am wake up, morning verse, get dressed, breakfast
9am school
12am lunch
12:30am nap

2:30 snack
3pm independant play(me chores that are not child friendly)
4pm chores
5pm start dinner, kids set the table
5:30pm dinner
6pm bedtime routine
7pm bedtime

I would like our 3hr block of school time to look like this:

opening verse
daily activity
independant play(inside)
clean up
circle time
independant play(outside)
story,drama
closing verse

Daily, our cirriculum will include, and be geared towards the season we are currently in:

Music & Movement
Art
Nature
Cooking
Play
Handwork
Helping and Stories

I want to do school Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday's. Fridays will be
our "outing" days, Thanks agian to Raechelle for the book: Fun(and educational) Places to go with Kids(in southern california) I have atleast the next years worth of outings planned, :o) We will also likely take every other Monday or so off aswell(for those flexday trips to disney with Raechelle and Maggie). But as a general rule Id like to do my best to stay home on our school days. I think the biggest mistake Ive made over the past 6 months is being on the go so much, I think it will be good for my kids to stay home and find comfort in a more reliable day. I know I will enjoy it. I have spent so many months now just wishing for a day to just STAY HOME with my kids, and now I am going to make it a priority to be home most days.