Thoughts, reflections, rambling mostly

Parenting Olivia as a baby, was very very different than how I am parenting my babies now. While Olivia was a baby I worried so much about the differences I would have to make as a foster parent and I spent a lot of time worrying about it. I was so passionate about breastfeeding, sling wearing and cosleeping. Whether you give it a name or not, it really does or did define the way I interacted with and mothered Olivia. Baby cry? nurse. Baby bored? nurse. Baby tired? nurse. Baby wake up at 2am? nurse in my sleep. Baby get sick? nurse. Baby sneeze? nurse. Well you get the point. It was pretty much my parenting end all be all. I didn't even OWN a diaper bag! Id grab a stack of cloth diapers and a few flannel wipes and be out the door, I never had to think about packing bottles, formula, burp rags(heck I never even burped Olivia) changes of clothes(she never ever spit up...ok ONCE when we gave her infant tylenol the one and only time she had it) Jars of baby food, spoons, the beloved bunny...etc etc My life is now so complicated with all the STUFF I need in order to mother my babies. I have to calculate how long I will be out, and plan ahead. Its almost impossible to be spontaneous because if we are out and decide we don't want to go back, chances are I don't have enough "stuff" to get them through the evening. Im finding that without being able to pacify with boob, the sling doesn't last long and with two babies under 10months and two toddlers, I have no choice but to bring the stroller. Using a stroller means I also need things like sweaters and blankets, when before my sling took the place of all of those things. This is more WORK and I almost find it ironic now because I remember so many moms telling me of all the freedom that not breastfeeding afforded them. UM having to MAKE a bottle at 11-2-5am is way more work than latching Olivia on and falling back to sleep in 15seconds! OH, and holding the bottle? in my sleep? I cant tell you how many times I drop it each feeding. Having to get up and walk to the crib--and freeze my butt off...to change, feed, burp, soothe swaddle and get him back to sleep. Last night? He was AWAKE from 130-530am oh how I wished I could just nurse him to sleep, but then again maybe not all babies are so easily soothed at the breast. But anyway at least a few of these ramblings DO have a point. Ill admit when Olivia was a baby I worried about how I would mother babies I couldn't breastfeed or cosleep with. Im learning that I was worried about the wrong things. I never gave much thought to the extra STUFF involved, I mostly worried about how NOT breastfeeding and colseeping felt so out of place in my thoughts and instincts, honestly felt unnatural to *me*. I worried that other breastfeeding moms would see me bottle fed in public and judge me, I suppose on some level that means I myself judged other mothers--and in my defense I think that had a lot to do with the ppl I surround myself with mainly online in very militant AP boards that referred to cribs as cages and bottles as artificial mothers. The tone on so many of those boards was so harsh and one sided. I spent most of Olivias first year DEEP inside those lists and bought into much of what I read. When Olivia was nearing her first birthday I started to pull away from the online lists and spent more time with other mothers IRL as we like to say online. Most of those mothers happened to crib sleep and bottle feed their babies--and I started to notice how when Id go back to my groups Id feel personally attacked and defensive. Id look at my friends and I knew there was no way they were any less bonded to their children than I was to Olivia, they didn't love their kids any less and they were no less of mothers. I unsubbed from my groups. I went back the other day and they are all still there--saying the same things now on their 2nd or 3rd baby. The tone is still so judgemental and narrow minded, I know not too long ago I was no different than any of them. Maybe Im still not, maybe the very fact that I am even typing this shows that Im still just as damned judgmental. Like I said above I used to worry about being judged, a few weeks ago I had two comments made to me while I bottle fed my babies. First was at the WIC office, one of the staff said to me: How old is he? Awwww and your not breastfeeding? (in a sad and disappointed unapproving tone) I said no actually I am his fosterparent and somehow I don't think his mom would approve of my breastfeeding him, BUT I AM STILL NURSING MY 3YR OLD. I immediately wanted to take it back, I felt ashamed of myself for doing/saying that. Later that same day I was at Target a mother with a young baby in a pink hotsling walked by me and saw me wearing him in my KK fleece pouch smiled and she walked on. A few minutes later I had put A into the baby bucket carseat to make him a bottle, she walked by again and said: awwwwww you aren't breastfeeding? Again sounding so disapproving. this time I just smiled at her and walked out of the aisle. Same thing happen at the Long Beach Aquarium, a fellow sling wearing mom and I exchanged compliments on eachothers slings. I went to stand with Shana and I began feeding A a bottle, I could hear her and her friend say--wow how said she isn't breastfeeding that tiny baby. Anyway my point is, I thought Id be embarrassed, or feel compelled to "justify" my lack of breastfeeding. I feel confident in my parenting and my bond with my babies. Someone recently asked me if I was knew A would be available to adopt would I induce lactation and start BFing him(well he IS going to adoptions) and NO, honestly I wouldn't. I understand a bit more now about the difference in views on it being a personal choice verses being a birth right, and now after only spending the past 5months as a bottle feeding mom(to 4babies under 1yr) I feel very comfortable and confident that I would not choose to induce lactation. I think to be honest I think for *me* breastfeeding has been about the bonding, maternal benefits that I felt I could only have through a nursing relationship and now well, I know better. My bond with A feels NO different than my bond to Olivia, I feel just as passionately fiercely intuitively connected to him. Its more work, and wow the poop stinks, but its hasn't affected my ability to bond, period. Now Im doubting any point was made atall, these thoughts have been bouncing around my head, and I just wanted to get them down. *************************************************************** ETA: I feel this nagging need to express that after reading this I think the entire post comes across as very selfish, and seems to devoid of the selfless act of breastfeeding for the benefit of the whole child. Im obviously aware of the numerous benefits of breastfeeding, and still strongly advocate and support the cause. I suppose the main point of this post was more about me reflecting on my own personal growth, my ability to see and understand a bit more about the idea that breastfeeding is a choice. Acknowledging my previous judgments, or insecurities surrounding the act of or lack of breastfeeding in a mother child relationship.