Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Mutually desirable....
Can I just say that it is no longer "mutual" 6months ago I would have told you that I was prepared to do extended nursing until she was ready. I've always guessed she'd wean closer to age 4, than say 3. She is 2yrs and 5months old now. I am losing my mind. I feel like I can't turn to other AP Extended nursers because well frankly I haven't yet met one who feels how I do. It seems that Im somehow not equipped with the same ability that my AP friends all seem to have. B for example nursed her son until age 5(or nearly 5) when he self weaned. Her daughter is now 3.5 and weaning is no where in site. She gets tired sure, but somehow she has this strength that I just don't have. She tells me that they are only going to need us like this for such a short period of time and that the benefits of AP and EN are long term, she also says that she'll have many years after her children wean to do the things that she wants to do. Why is it that I cant be that selfless? Why is it that I want to crawl out of my skin every time my daughter latches on? Why is it that my daughter wants to nurse 2-3times per hr through out the day for 30-45seconds on each side? Why is it that my daughter wants to nurse all night long and for 90+minutes straight each morning upon waking? Why is it that even though I have spent the past yr working to set firm "nursing limits" that she still CRIES/SCREAMS/HITS/KICKS for the duration of our "limits" such as: Mommy will "gee" you after I take a shower(she screams through my entire shower) Mommy will "gee" you after I wash the dishes(imagine doing a chore you hate while your child thrashes around at your feet screaming at the top of her lungs.) I haven't taken a shit by myself in over 2.5years, My child is OUT OF CONTROL! I've tried everything from completely ignoring negative behavior, timeouts, yelling, spanking(yes I wont lie I have spanked her even after I swore up and down I never would) I've tried the 1,2,3 method. I cant list them all, just trust me when I say I've read more 'parenting' websites and books than I can even count, Im at the end of my rope. Olivia is an extremely intelligent child, but when she doesn't get her way watch out! She can also be very well behaved and sweet(when she wants to be) But right now she is incredibly defiant. She yells at us, talks back, hits, screams, and has even learned the F-word(don't look at me) Im absolutely fed up and hating myself as a mother more and more everyday. Something has to give. I feel like she is acting this way because she needs MORE limits and that SHE feels out of control, yet the more I set limits the more she fights me and the more miserable we all become. Have I really failed this badly as a mother? Where did I go wrong? I've devoted everyday of the past 2.5years being the best mother I could, I've read and read and talked and talked and lets not forget about the 10years I spent as a childcare provider before I became a mother. What the hell have I done wrong? Why is my child so out of control? Im so ready for her to be done nursing and somehow I feel like it will help, but will it really? It is afterall the only time she's sitting still and NOT screaming! She makes messes and then wont pick them up because "her hands are full" or I ask her to clean up some water she spilt and she'll say: No you do it, I can't. When I assure her that she can this girl will NOT give in, I end up doing hand over hand with her to get it cleaned up, and then when Im done? The little sh_t will say: Mommy good job you cleaned it up! To which I say no, you helped me and shell say: No mommy, listen you put your hand on my hand and moved my hand, you cleaned it up! I just want to SCREAM! Ive tried to create a set routine for her(knowing she doesnt transition well from activity to activity etc.) She fights it like you wouldnt believe, She has a natural sleeping rhythm of 10pm-10am. No matter how Ive tried to get her to sleep earlier and to get up earlier, its just miserable! I started putting her to bed at 7pm everynight, we did a bath 3stories books and then lights out(in her own bed) it would take me 3hrs to get her to sleep(10pm -wink-) and Id wake her up at 8am and she would scream cry and wants to nurse for 2+hrs(10am) I kept this up for 6.5weeks straight before I finally gave in because I was so tired and she was 100% worse than before. F_ck super nanny for saying 2-3nights!??!?! What about kids like mine?!?!?!? Am I really the only parent out there with a child who is SO strong willed? Its become humiliating to even socialize at my best friends house! She can put her daughter to bed at 8pm and knows she wont see her again until 8am. I finally get Olivia asleep somewhere between 10-11pm and she will wake up every 45minutes screaming hysterically for me, at which point I have to go back in for 15+minutes to get her back to sleep, repeat until I give up and go to bed or home(which ever we are doing) I just don't know what to do any more, I can tell you Im starting to feel desperate, I am severely depressed and Im sure that has an effect on her. I used to want a house full of kids, at this point Im strongly leaning towards having an only child, I just don't think I can go through this again. Im drowning.
6 comments:
I'm so sorry you feel so bad. I feel out of control a lot when I'm dealing with my kid. I just want to hide from her. I can't imagine adding the element of nursing to it when you are ready to stop. I hope you feel better soon, somehow.
Oh honey.
You've done great. Screw the AP folks who think you're a failure. If you want the nursing to end, it's time for it to end. No, I don't know the best way to go about it... whether it's letting her CIO or holding her without nursing her or just leaving the house altogether for a day and making her go without. I guess you could always put tabasco on your nipples (okay.. yes I know someone who did this and it backfired because her son LIKED it... and, well, it burned like hell).
You are NOT a bad mother.
If you were your nanny, what would you tell yourself? If the kids you watched behaved this way, what would you tell the parents? Now give that a shot.
If I were you, which I am not, I would end the nursing. Because you hate it. And, while she may desperately want it, she doesn't need it. Find something else that comforts her... a blanket, a doll... some other security object.
And with the thrashing at your feet while you do that dishes... get down to her level, tell her it's not okay, and she can either sit calmly beside you or she can scream in another room. And be consistent. If you cave once, she's know you'll cave again and again. Of course you know this though.
And I haven't gone to bathroom alone in a while either. My cat won't leave me alone. Of course, I could lock him out, but I don't. But bathroom doors do have locks you know. She'll kick the door and scream, but she can't get in. Eventually she'll get the picture.
Good luck. You are a good mom.
sister i only have 2 things to say. 1 i probly said the fword 100 times around her the last time i was out so you can blame that on me.
2, shes a 2yr old, ive never known a 2yr old to no scream and shout and kick and such when they didnt get their way. dont blame yourself she's going through a phase and will get better.
brother loves sister
nay,
i could sit here and tell you my opinions but lets face it, i'm not you. only you know how much you can take. i see you being very unhappy. i know its not only these behaviors upsetting you, but it is taking you over the limit. i will support you no matter what you decide to do. just do it before vegas. *giggle*
rae
Claire is a pretty good sleeper at night but otherwise I am right there with you on the rest. Sometimes I feel like just pushing her off me and have a really hard time restraining myself. She is also over 2 and I think we may be stopping soon, esp since she is outgrowing her allergies. I've always thought that I'd be one of those tandem nursers but just the one is making me feel like jumping out of my skin and running out of the house. I think that the feelings are more common than not, if you can get folks to cop to them. You are NOT a bad mommy at all, Olivia is doing great! Who knows, sometimes I think that feeling this way might be nature's way of getting you to move on from one to invest in another, I remember out dog used to get up and just walk away from her nursing puppies once they were older (I can totally sympathize now!) Not sitting down and spending a lot of time out of the house sometimes result in nursing free days for us but it sounds like Olivia might be too determined for that. I talked to a LC recently and you've done what she suggested, set limits, set a schedule and gradually cut back. My friends who have big families actually are better about having regular couple time and time to themselves, that's probably why they are brave enough to have lots of kids. One of my goals for the fall is to try to get more adults involved with Claire on a regular basis, friends or a babysitter, so we can get a break from each other. I'll let you know if that seems to ratchet down the intensity some. I was reading one of the Sears's books and some of their kids were weaned at like 14 or 17 months. We both deserve a gold star by that standard, lol.
It is really ok to stop, I think that you should follow your insticts on what is best for both of you. Good luck!
Jennifer
Renee...I have so been there and done that! When Katie was about 25 months old I would just cringe when she wanted to nurse...we were going through the same thing you were/are! I weaned her at 27 months exactly how you are now. She was/is fine! She also is sleeping on a mattress next to our bed by herself. I never thought that I would see the day. You are a good mother, you just have a child who is very spirited!
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