Well its been two years....

Since I gave birth, looked into my daughters eyes for the first time, breastfed her for the first time. Two years since I became Olivias mom. Wow. So much of the past two years has just been a blur. She's gone from a tiny(haha)helpless newborn to a 25lb, walking, talking, independent little person! As we took our morning bath I looked down at her while she happily nursed and I realized that exactly 2years ago to the minute I was laboring in a hotbath, nearing transition. I sat back and started to think about the thoughts I was having 2years ago, I remember that it was about this time when my midwife arrived. I remember her checking me and telling me Id be ready to push soon. I felt relieved to know that I had done it, I had labored to complete, I felt confident. I remember pushing, I remember thinking that I expected it to feel differently, I expected something to 'happen' when I pushed. I remember pushing and pushing, for hours. I started to feel tired, and weak and so ready to quit. I remember telling my MW I couldn't do this anymore, I remember hearing her saying: Renee you can and you will. I can still hear her voice saying that over and over in my head. I was doing it, and I had no choice, she had to come out and I had to get her out. I remember that it hurt, a LOT. It hurt more than the intense contractions of transition. I felt mad, I thought this part was supposed to happen quickly and I thought it was supposed to feel good. The more I pushed the more it hurt, the more it hurt the less I wanted to push. I remember it being suggested that I try and sustain a push, I couldn't. The pain was consuming me and I could think of little else. I remember when her head was finally out. It was such an overwhelming sense of relief, instantly the pain was gone. Then came the shoulders, the pain was back...It was growing as my MW worked and worked to dislodge Olivia shoulders that were firmly wedged in my pelvis. I remember feeling another overwhelming sense of relief as she was pulled from my body, I remember wanting to hold her...But she wouldn't reach to my chest, her cord was too short. I remember saying her name over and over. I remember hearing my MW saying: No, Renee wait. I remember she wanted the suction, I thought that was crazy. I wanted my baby I knew she was fine. I finally had her on my chest I was just saying her name over and over, I didn't know what else to say. I remember feeling shocked that she felt like a complete stranger to me, I had carried her in me for the past 40weeks, why did I feel intimidated by her. I wondered what she was thinking, I felt embarrassed because I didn't know what I was supposed to say to her. I remember thinking that she looked odd, not atall how I imagined she would. Her nose was SO small and flat, her hair...She had so much hair.. On her forehead, cheeks, her ears..oh.my.god. My child had hair on her ears. Those cheeks, she had the biggest cheeks...Full brite red lips...My chin. Oh! She had my chin. I looked at Shana, she was crying, I wanted to cry, why wasn't I crying? I touched her face(Shanas) Time seemed to stand still. Then I remember looking up, seeing my MW, dole, Mother, Sister...Olivias god father. Someone was trying to hand me juice. I remember that all of a sudden like someone had turned on a light that I came back to reality. I had been gone in some space...To be perfectly frank, it was much like my experience with mushrooms...Ok ok not the dinner salad, pizza topping type. The goldflake shrooms I ate in highschool. The 8hrs that I was 'high' time wasn't relevant, then when I 'came back' it happen very suddenly(like the light being turned on) Labor had been just like that. What time was it? Was everyone really hear? Had it really been 17hrs? Only 17hrs? Then they weighed her, she was so big..I felt proud, I had done it. I had birthed this great big baby at home in my bed just as I had dreamed I would. Two years ago today I gave birth to my daughter Olivia Grace at home as planned weighing 9lbs 9oz measuring 21.5" with a 15" head. I did that and I am proud of me, its about time I say that to myself and believe it. I know without a doubt that Olivia still remembers the day she was born, she's told me things about her birth that we've never told her about, and her birth is just as much about her as it is about me. I'vee spent a great deal of time of the past two years thinking about how I would have wanted things to be different, I owe it to myself and to my daughter to also be proud of the way things DID go. Happy birthing day to me, Happy birthday to Olivia.