More reflections

I am still thinking about this past cycle. I'm trying to figure out how I really feel about it. The more I do the more I think that it really was a necessary move. I'm not certain I really have the desire to have(ttc/carry/birth/BF) another child, and I think that this has just really cemented things for me. OTOH, I feel like I just might not have any other choice if I want to have more children(which I do). If you know me, or as you get-to-know me, you'll discover that every part of who I am screams to adopt. I've wanted to adopt for as long as I can remember, and even before Olivia it was *my* first choice in building a family. The 'problem' is I am not naive about the fostercare system or the special needs of the children who are adopted from within it. I've spent much time over the years reading every book I could get my hands on, reading websites and message boards. The truth is, I had a daughter first. She has to come first and its my responsibility as her mother to protect her to the best of my ability. This is a HUGE conflict in my heart, I mean obviously my daughter is my life and my love and OFCOURSE I would(and DO)everything in my power to make sure she is safe. So knowing that, WHY do I still struggle daily with this overwhelming calling to foster adoption? Is it because maybe there still is a small part of me that wants desperately believe that *they* are all wrong and that I *can* safely adopt who I feel called to adopt? One woman in the fosterparent community said something shockingly painful to me, she said that maybe this 'calling' that I feel is really just a test to my commitment to my daughter. WOW, that stung a year ago when she said it and stung just as much right now as I typed it. About 6months ago Shana and I began the process of doing a private domestic adoption, but for a hundred reasons that fell apart. It just didn't *feel* right on so many levels. So 'knowing' that foster adoption wasn't an option for us, we moved on to trying to conceive our second child. All along I left the county foster parent schedule up on my fridge(where its still posted) every time I walked past it I wondered if I would get pregnant, I wondered if that meant that I REALLY wouldn't be able to adopt now. I wondered if I really DO have kids out there like I feel I do, I argued with myself on a daily basis to push these thoughts aside and to get EXCITED about a possible pregnancy. When I got my last negative HPT I couldn't help but think to myself, great this means we can adopt now! The next thing I did was visit the California Kids Connection, its a photo listing site and I immediately connected with 2 separate sibling groups. The first had a girl4, boy2 and girl1. I could picture them here, in our house. I could see them in my review mirror buckled in their carseats right next to Olivia. When I went downstairs I could see them all around the dining room table, spilling cups of milk, yelling/laughing/fighting you name it etc. That's how I see my family growing. To me it just feels right. Then in the back of my mind I keep thinking, what if. What if, what if. Isn't it true though that you could say what if every time you get behind the wheel of your car? Then ofcourse you could argue back that its a different type of risk, its more deliberate..or whatever. So I try to ration with myself and say OK you can adopt but ONLY children YOUNGER than Olivia. I feel strongly about adopting a sibling group. In our county out of 100families waiting to adopt only THREE will accept a sibling group. If my heart feels called to an older sibling group(verses say 2under 2yrs) then maybe, just maybe what we should do is wait. Just wait until Olivia is older, and then adopt.