Irrational fears?

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I've built up my birth so much in my mind that I've possibly made it out to be so much worse than it really was. I remember right after she was born I said very clearly(and I have it on tape) I will NEVER do THAT again. I must have said that for a reason right? Sure one could argue that most women say that after having given birth, but really I meant it. When I think back to the last several hrs of my labor I can really remember the feelings I was having of just trying to stay alive. It was very primal and very deliberate, I felt as though I was being viscously and brutally attacked and that all I could do was keep breathing and hope it ended soon. Maybe I do need therapy(duh right) but the thought of giving birth again truly terrifies me. I'm not sure I can deliberately put myself through that again. They say you forget that pain, well I must be wired wrong because believe me I haven't forgotten. I need to come to a place where I can accept either giving birth or raising an only child. As much as it pains me to admit this I know Shana's heart isn't in the right place when it comes to adoption(oh oh oh how I HATE to admit that). I cant go into it knowing what I do about her feelings on the topic, as much as I want to believe that I want it enough for both of us, I just can't. That's a loss I will likely mourn for well maybe the rest of my life. Adoption has always been my calling, and I cant impose that onto Shana for the kids are the ones who would lose in this. Now I realize these are two very different issues here that I am meshing together. My issues and fears about childbirth and my feelings of sadness and loss over not being able to adopt. I happen to know many couples who have seemingly successfully managed to have each partner carry a child, I admire them greatly but also trust my intuition and knowledge of mine and Shana's relationships limits and know that for us it would be the beginning of the end. I also hate to admit that our relationship (I fear) isn't strong enough to handle that. Now that's not to say if Shana actually had the desire atall to carry a child that I wouldn't do everything in my power to support her, but knowing she doesn't have that desire *atall* and knowing that if she were to get pregnant it would only be to 'help' me out and well its just not an option for us, atleast not now..6years young into our marriage. Thankfully Shana and I are still relatively young so we still hopefully have a good few fertile years ahead of us. For us the rush is on because we both feel strongly about having somewhat closely spaced siblings. What to do, what to do. I know what I need to do, I need to suck it up and get pregnant. If I could have one wish granted it would be that I never really RESEARCHED the truths about medicated verses not medicated childbirth, I wish that I never knew it was still possible to give birth athome and I WISH that it was possible for me to believe that I(and my baby) could be safe having a medicalized birth. Oh but if you know me you know that's not true, as much as I fear the pain of childbirth again, the thought of being numb and not feeling my child enter this world is even more scary to me. I know what I gained from my natural childbirth, I believe a bond with my daughter..A journey that I shared only with her, something that could never be he same without having experienced what we did, together. Its amazing to me that what was the most painful experience of my life provided to me the greatest amount of joy and unconditional, immeasurable love. There were many many wonderful things about my birth, including my labor I LOVED my labor, it was exciting and hard and empowering....Its just the second stage(pushing/birth) I couldn't handle. I even maintained great control during transition(sleeping through most of it if you can believe that! I was SO relaxed) So I cant say its labor IM fearful of, its just that damn pushing, 4hrs of the most excruciating pain I've ever felt. ::sigh:: Maybe Ill make an appointment next week to visit my midwife, she has a way of talking me down.